I’m going to throw a fancy therapy word at you: distress tolerance. Distress tolerance simply means the ability to withstand difficult emotions such as anxiety, anger, sadness, or grief. It is the capacity to sit with those feelings without spiraling into them or relying on survival strategies and unhealthy coping patterns to escape them.
For me, distress tolerance often looks like reminding myself that while I don’t feel OK, I actually am OK. Some emotions feel as though they might swallow us whole. We might believe the pain will never end, or that the fear or sadness will last forever. In those moments, it can feel impossible to imagine that the feeling will pass.
Distress tolerance matters because, very literally, an unpleasant feeling cannot harm you. You might feel terrible. It may feel overwhelming or unbearable in the moment. But the feeling itself is temporary. It will move through you, and you will still be here on the other side.
One way to begin building distress tolerance is to name the emotion you are feeling. When emotions pile together, they can feel like a vague and overwhelming mass of discomfort. Identifying the feeling can bring a sense of clarity. You might find it helpful to look at a feelings wheel or a list of emotions. When you identify the feeling, say it plainly to yourself. I am feeling sad. I am feeling angry. Often we skip this step and move immediately into the story about the emotion. Our thoughts jump to the long to do list that is causing stress or the thing our partner said that hurt. The story may be important, but first we need to recognize the feeling itself.
Another helpful approach is to bring curiosity and compassion to your experience. Ideally, we can sit with our emotions with kindness toward ourselves. Imagine the way you might respond if a close friend or family member told you they were struggling. You would likely respond with empathy and care. You deserve that same response from yourself. If compassion feels too far away in the moment, try curiosity instead. If an inner critic is telling you that you should not feel this way, see if you can step back and consider that there may be a valid reason for the feeling. You can approach your experience like a detective. Why might I feel this way? What does this feeling actually feel like in my body? You might even let go of the need for a reason and simply stay curious about the experience itself.
Mindfulness practices often describe something called the observer mind. This is the part of us that can notice our thoughts and emotions without getting completely pulled into them. The observer mind pays attention to what is happening in the body. Is there tension, heat, tingling, or heaviness somewhere? It can also show up as a gentle inner narration. You might say to yourself, either silently or out loud, I am noticing that I feel very anxious right now. I am noticing that my thoughts are racing and my heart is pounding. This practice creates a small amount of space between you and the feeling, which can make it easier to tolerate.
The most important thing to remember is that these techniques are not meant to make the feeling disappear. Emotions often need to be felt. Sometimes these practices can reduce the intensity a little, like turning down the volume a few notches. But the real goal is to care for yourself while the feeling naturally moves through.
Distressing emotions are a normal part of being human. When we experience injustice or hurt, anger is a natural response. When we lose something or someone important, sadness is expected. Building distress tolerance means accepting that all emotions are valid and that we will experience them throughout our lives. It also means trusting that we can survive them.
Learning to sit with our emotions is one of the first steps toward expressing them in ways that align with our values. When we can tolerate what we feel, we gain the freedom to respond with intention rather than reacting out of overwhelm.